I just sat here reading two articles about polyamory on The Federalist, that stem from the recent SCOTUS ruling on same-sex marriage, and I had to write a response to each of the authors. The original post that sparked this little debate/conversation was from Sara Burrows, titled “Polyamory is Next and I’m One Reason Why“. The response to this post was from D.C. McAllister, titled “Polyamory is Bad for Kids, Polyamorist and Society”. Before I start my responses to these two articles and opinions, I want to say that these two lady’s have a right their own opinions, and I respect their opinions, but I have a response to them with my own opinions…which I have a right to as well.
***I should also note that this post was started a long while ago, very recently after these two articles were actually posted. I feel like the subject is important enough to actually finish and post anyway.***
I think we should start with what began this whole thing, Sara Burrows article and view on Polyamory. First thing is first, polyamory doesn’t fix anything. Trust me. I have been poly for 11 years now and I can tell you right now, it does NOT fix anything. It can certainly enhance relationships…with the energy that you share with your partners, but it does not fix the broken. Sometimes it can be the answer to what is needed in certain relationships or for certain people, if those people are truly poly trying to live a monogamous lifestyle. But I know all those readers out there to know, it doesn’t fix a broken relationship. Not to say Sara’s relationship was/is broken. I just need those readers out there to know that its not always the fix. I see so many people jump right on in to the deep end thinking it will fix everything that is wrong with their relationship, when there is a much bigger root problem that polyamory may only make worse. For instance, communication. If you can’t communicate your issues or when you’re feeling hurt or what you need/want in your relationship, polyamory is NOT for you and your significant other. Maybe polyamory was the fix that Sara and her partner needed, I’m not one to say, but if they are happy, healthy and can go down that road together happily, good for them! I like when polyamory is the answer to someone’s needs and wants. Its a beautiful thing!
Alas, polyamory is not for everyone. If anyone tells you that monogamy is a myth and that humans are not meant to be monogamous, I can’t say I agree with that. I think SOME humans are not meant to be monogamous. And I think SOME humans are not meant to be polyamorous as well. No one answer is better than the other. Sadly, there are many poly people, as well as monogamous people, that will tell you one side is the right answer or is more ethical. I’m sorry to say, neither is the right answer, in a general sense. Both monogamy and polyamory belong in this world. Both are the right answers, for the right people. Both are beautiful and equally ethical. Of course all parties must be aware and give their own consent to the situation in which they are in. Otherwise, no matter what it is that you are practicing in your relationship, its not going to be ethical without consent.
Now, that I have expressed that part to the readers, I want to say something else about what Sara said that was a direct response from McAllister. I have always said that polyamory is what you make it. There is the basic definition to it, of course, but from that you make your own relationships and dynamic. However, I feel like Sara either picked the wrong words to use in her article and McAllister has this image in her head of what polyamory is, and to me, it sounds like McAllister is mixing up swinging with polyamory. Polyamory isn’t about the sex, that’s just a bonus if that’s part of the relationship dynamic. Its about the relationship, the commitment, the connection both mentally and emotionally…its about the love. It literally translates to “many loves”. Many people who don’t understand the poly concept misunderstand this. They think that we are out there just sleeping with whoever, whenever we like. In the relationships I have seen in polyamory, this is very far from the truth. There is some communication if one partner meets someone else. The physical is not the focus in polyamory at all.
As much as people who don’t understand polyamory and are against it like to say that there is no commitment in polyamory, I think they aren’t quite sure exactly what commitment is. Its not about fidelity. That’s a totally different word/definition all together. Polyamory has just as much commitment as monogamy. I am extremely committed to my partner and have many promises, vows and just as much loyalty to him as any monogamous person does to their partner or spouse. We have just as much promise and commitment to love one another as the next couple, the difference is that we are open minded enough and are not only capable, but believe that we can be in love with more than one person at time. We are happy with each other, we are enough for each other, but having the option and openness to know that if we meet someone else we might have a strong connection with, we can explore that openly and honestly. We are free to love another person and still have just as much respect, love, commitment and loyalty to our other partner(s). For me, I don’t NEED to fall in love with more than my partner. I don’t have to have more than one relationship, but I do believe there is more than one person for me in this world that I am meant to be with. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to meet them in my lifetime, who knows. I know I have met at least two, and I love them both very much and don’t know what I would do without them. What I need is to know that I can be who I truly am and be loved for it, challenged for it, supported for it and encouraged for it. Polyamory has made my life within my relationship so much better because we don’t count on one single person to carry us, to fulfill our every need or want and to support us. If one partner can’t fulfill a need or a want for one reason or another, it can be fulfilled else where, and that takes the pressure off of all of us. We share the load and support each other completely.
As for the idea that disease and STDs/STIs are spread more through our little community, McAllister…you would be making an ignorant assumption. The Journal of Sexual Medicine has statistics and studies in their article that debunk this myth. Might I add that this is NOT the only article with statistics and studies out there either. Statistically, polyamorous people have less and spread less STDs/STIs than monogamous people. Simple reason behind this is communication, testing, responsibility, respect, safety, trust, honesty and boundaries/rules in place to prevent these kind of things. Again, sex is a serious topic in polyamory relationships, its not something we all just do on a whim whenever, with whoever we wish, nor is it our focus. Its just taken very seriously when its on the table.
I have to say, McAllister was very disrespectful in her response to Sara’s article. Calling Sara’s partner her “baby daddy”. Really? Who are you to judge Sara and her partner? Who are you to judge how she chooses to live her life and raise her child with her partner. Just because they aren’t married doesn’t mean that they can’t successfully raise their child together, poly or not. While we are on the subject, who are you to judge someone’s view on love. There is never one way to love, and you are not the judge on how someone should love another person or if they do love them. All love is divine. My love is just as strong, important and real as yours. Sara’s love for her partner is just as real as yours might be to your husband/boyfriend/partner. Marriage is not the end all, be all of every relationship. I have been with my partner for 11 years…and they have been very loving, passionate, strong and beautiful years. Does that mean that our relationship has been perfect? No. I would never say that. No relationship is. We have our ups and our downs, but more ups than anything. We support each other and are truly, deeply committed for life to each other. A piece of paper does not need to be between us for me to know that and believe it to be true. We live a life together just as any other married couple would, but we are not husband and wife. We are more and we know that we are. We have our own vows and devotions.
Until the definition of marriage as we, the society, see it changes…there will always be this argument and things will not change. I have hope that one day, everyone will see that love needs no piece of paper (But there is nothing wrong with having it!), love needs no definition, love needs no limits or boundaries. Love is love…that is all…and ALL Love is Divine.
Considering we just did a “When dating…” post I thought this would be appropriate to post as well. Something that is rather serious and something I swear one day I will use, but something that made me giggle a little too. A form for when you get those online emails or messages from random Trolls or douches. This is from Zenocrate again (our guest writer for the “Passing along some intellectual ideas” post earlier), something she advised when posted it could be used and adjusted as needed. I have taken what she put together and tweaked it a bit by adding a few things. So as she has said, please use it at your will and tweak how you want it.
Your recent email has been deemed completely unacceptable for the following reason(s) (check all that apply):
___It was so badly written I have no idea what you’re actually saying.
___You OBVIOUSLY didn’t read my profile.
___It was clearly wank fodder.
___You assumed because I list myself as submissive/masochistic/dominant/sadistic I am your submissive/masochist/dominant/sadist, and made demands that should only be made after a relationship exists.
___You assumed because I list myself as bisexual/kinky/poly that I will fuck you or anything that asks me to.
___You attached a picture of your penis and/or of you masturbating.
___You asked me for a nude picture.
___You called me names and/or told me what you’d do to me as if I’d given you permission.
___You describe things that are physically dangerous and/or immoral (example, being locked in a cage for weeks, having children to raise as slaves) with no hint that this was a fantasy.
___You suggested/demanded/pleaded that I strip on cam/come to meet you/ give you contact information immediately.
As part of a study of fucktard behavior, I, along with others, am trying to determine the reasons behind emails like yours. Therefore, please take our short survey. Thanks for participating!
When I sent the email I knew it was pathetic and offensive: Yes/No
If Yes, please answer question 1. If No, please answer question 2.
Question 1: Please check off the reason(s) you sent the email, even knowing it was offensive
___I was bored and your picture was hot
___Sending offensive emails is my kink
___I hate women so sending offensive emails makes me feel good
___I fear women so sending offensive emails makes me feel powerful
___I’m a DOM damnit and someday I’ll find a real submissive woman who understands that offensive emails demonstrate my domliness
___Other (please explain)
Question 2: Please check off the reason(s) why you didn’t realize the email was offensive
___I’ve never interacted with a real kinky/bisexual/poly woman so I’m working from online porn stories
___I’ve never interacted with a real kinky/bisexual/poly woman so I’m working from my own fantasies
___My last girlfriend liked it when I said/did these things so I figured all kinky/bisexual/poly women like the same things and don’t mind them (or even want them) as a very first contact.
___I send out dozens of emails a day, all the same, hoping someone will respond, so I don’t have time to tailor my email to an individual
___I’m just being honest about my kinks. Why do women have to be so bitchy and demand to be treated like real people instead of just offering me the instant, meaningless sex/play I want!
___Wait, my email was offensive? I poured my heart and soul into that email, describing everything I wanted in the perfect kinky/bisexual/poly woman! And I complimented your tits! What could be offensive in that!?
___Other (please explain)
This blog is mostly used for poly and non-monogamous subjects…but it’s also a blog about dating in general, sexuality, relationships and self respect. The list goes on for what I want this blog to be and stand for. But every once in a while it might be me giving you a little advice from my point of view. And right now that’s going to be the case…triggered by some current encounters I’ve had and my partner have had. So boys and girls listen up. This is advice about dating in general and what to do and not do when wanting to date someone. Again, this is my point of view, but I have found a lot of this is something most women and men have agreed upon with me. And keep in mind this all should be common sense and respect driven, but I have found it never is for some reason.
These things can go either to men or women…the list is mixed and somethings addressing both sexes.
1) Bringing up sex right off the bat and that being your only subject is not usually wise. Of course this is if the person isn’t just looking for just sex. When dating and getting to know someone this is a small part of who you are. We want to know you. We want to know more than just what your kink is or that you have a 10 inch cock.
2) Which brings me to our next point. We don’t want to know your penis size. If we did, we’d ask. And if we have to ask….more often than not….that chick is a size queen. I always say size doesn’t matter, if you know how to use what you have, THAT is what matters to me. This also goes the other way around. If a man wants to know your bra size he’ll ask. But a little advice to both parties would be don’t ask unless you know for a fact that such a question is open for discussion.
3) And that feeds into the fact that no…I do not what to see a picture of your cock or you coming. Again, if I did I would ask.
4) When you tell a woman like me (and I know many women that feel this way) that you are so good in bed that we are guaranteed to come over and over for hours because you can last all night…you’re going to get one of two things out of this. You’re either going to get the women to see this as a challenge to put you in your place…or you’re going to get eye rolls and we move on because of your arrogance and/or your lack to see the big picture. What we want is someone who can give us even just 10 to 20 minutes of fiery passion, ecstasy and meaning before we want someone who can last all night. We want all of what you have to give, doesn’t matter how long it lasts. And honestly…this can be addressed towards women as well. No matter who you are, give it all you have with as much honesty as you have. That’s what matters.
5) When someone has a job, kids, another partner or partners…..or all of the above…don’t assume that someone is going to be at your beck and call at all times. That they can and will drop everything just for you. Cause guess what? It’s not going to happen. Have patience and it will be returned when you need us to have it.
6) Be someone who people can count on. Don’t stand people up. Don’t say you’ll do something or be some where and just ignore it all in the end. Follow thru. Keep your promises. Don’t take people for granted.
7) Don’t pity yourself and have absolutely no self confidence. Know yourself, accept and love yourself or we can’t. It’s that simple.
8) BE YOURSELF! Don’t be something or someone you think that person wants you to be. We want to know YOU and like YOU…not something you’re not.
9) NEVER apologize for who you are.
10) As my partner has said, he believes in chivalry for chivalry’s sake. He believes it’s polite to take the check and do things for a women to convenience her and make her feel special, but the moment it’s expected…that is when it becomes and issue and pisses men off. That is when a man will not care anymore to do those things for you anymore. To at least offer to pay for yourself or you both once in a while is respectful and polite. To do something romantic for the guy is special and just as much deserved to be treated as well as you are. Romance, respect and caring goes both ways.
11) Don’t be the martyr and victim. Learn from mistakes and bad things that have happened to you and move on. Realize that not everyone is out to get you and that it’s not ALWAYS everyone else’s fault. And even if it is some else’s fault that you are hurt, learn to move on and grow stronger from the experience and realize that it’s up to YOU how you react to what someone says or does.
12) Don’t avoid your shit. Deal with your problems. Face your fears, your hang ups, your pain and your past. It’s all apart of who you and how you got where you are.
13) Passive aggressive behavior gets you no where. And neither does assuming anything. Speak. Ask. Communicate. Express what you’re feeling or thinking…if you don’t….no one can do anything about it and then you’re just the ass with no one left in your corner.
14) Don’t try to change people. What you get when you walk into a relationship is what you should fall in love with. There are times that our existence in someone’s life can make them better themselves, but never walk into anything expecting to change someone or wanting to. I question why people do that, I just don’t get it.
And if you are doing any Online dating, let me add a few specifics here….though some of the above apply to online dating too.
15) READ THE PROFILE! Holy crap I can’t express that enough. That is one of my biggest pet peeves in online dating. My profile might be long, but guess what? That means I care and put time into making sure you understand where I come from and a little about who I am so you’ll know if we will get along. Sure, you’re not going to know everything about me from a profile, but it’s a good start. If you don’t read it, I’ll know and I WILL call you out on it.
16) When you send someone a message or email, talk like a human being, please. This is a big pet peeve for me as well. I hate “text speak” and “leet speak”, it drives me mad. Make an effort to actually make a good impression and like you actually have some intelligence in there some where. I am not a grammar Nazi by far, I screw up my spelling and everything often, but at least I make the effort to write full words and sentences.
17) Say something a little more interesting than “You’re hot!” (or in reality it’s usually “ur hott!”). Make us want to message you back, look at your profile and want to get to know you better. Make them bite for the bait!
18) Respect what the profile says. They didn’t put it up there for no reason.
This list will probably be added to as time goes on, but this are the things that come to mind right now. These are not “rules” per say, more advice that I think some people need to hear from the experience I’ve had.
In the past week I have had people ask me about how I view my choices of being so open in not only who I am, but what I believe when it comes to being Poly, kinky and bisexual. I’ve had two actually and an event that made this subject come to light here. These questions I have answered with no hesitation, which I couldn’t honestly say that years ago. So let me put this out there and make it very clear if you question how I deal with my life as a whole and how I present myself to the world.
I do not hide behind my words. I act out my words. I do not hide behind this computer screen for all to wonder who I am and if I truly believe what I say here. I hide no where and from no one. I am very open to everyone in my life about who I am and what kind of life I lead. I do it respectfully and yes sometimes it’s best to leave your personal life personal, but I honestly wouldn’t give it a second thought if someone I worked with found out about this place, this person I truly am. If someone in my family found out about me (which you’d be hard pressed to find a family member that doesn’t know at this point). I out myself everyday. Me. I do it. I’m aware of my words. I’m aware of my actions and how powerful they can be not only to myself but the world and people around me. I put myself out here to be heard. That is why I started this blog. That is why I am here today. Not to rub it in anyone’s face. Not to be obnoxious. But to let people know this is who I am and what I believe. If you can not handle that, then that’s not my problem. My family loves me for who I am, including this side of me. This person I choose to be and put out there is just me…raw…exposed…beautiful…happy…aware.
I am not ashamed of what I put here, no matter who reads it. I do not back down. I am a voice that is heard and I am so proud of that voice, no matter who hears it. I am respectful of my surrounds, always. I am respectful of the people in my life. But what I put here is a choice. A choice for you to read and try to understand, accept and move forward….or….a choice to stop, walk away and never to return here. The same goes for being a part of my life. I am always respectful and I mind the audience I have at any given moment, but I will never apologize for who I am and what words I put here.
Simple answer is to those that question what I would do if someone found this site that knew me but had yet to know this part me…I don’t care. I care that they try to understand and accept me for who I am and what I stand for. But I don’t care if they have an issue with who I am or what I stand for. If they can’t take the respect and decency to try to understand and accept me for who I am…why would I want to have them in my life in the first place? I do not share this part of myself with everyone I run across, for the reasons that it’s a need to know basis with some people. But if they found out by some chance, I don’t care. If they want to discuss it, I don’t care. I will discuss it with them if they so wish, but I won’t force it upon them.
I will never force anything down anyone’s throat. But I will speak if I will be and want to be heard. I don’t expect anyone to agree with my beliefs or my relationships, but I expect the respect I give out. So, that is my stance on putting myself so openly out here. I put myself openly out to most everyone I meet. And I do realize that my life is one that has that luxury. Some careers and lifestyles don’t have the ability to be as open and honest as I want to be.
But this is why I am here. This is me taking that opportunity to advocate for you…even if it is one word at a time.
I saw this post up on a group I am apart of on a website and had to post it and my response here…
Are there a lot of Poly couples/people who started out in the swinger lifestyle and then switched to identifying as poly?
When this happens, does it end up that the person or couple mainly is only looking for play partners? Do these couples ever end up with an actual polyamorous relationship where they have more then just a fuck buddy relationship with the others they see, or does it never go any farther then that?
I was just curious to see if anyone has had experience in this area, possibly to shed some light on some things I am confused about WRT poly vs swinger.
There are more poly people who cross over to the swinger lifestyle than you think. I have found that those that do ride the line do have sexual relationships, but with some kind of connection. There are usually plenty of people out there who put all their cards on the table in these cases and tell the person they are with what they can expect out of the relationship…it’s always up to that person if they can accept it. The problem tends to be that the person claims to accept what is offered to them, but then expect more and can’t truly handle what is given in honesty and truth. This has happened to me and my partner more often than not…and one can only blame themselves when truth and full disclosure is offered.
When there is a riding the line situation or a move from swinger to poly, this does not mean that all people are only looking for play partners. While my partner and I do ride that line, we prefer to have a deep emotional relationship, but aren’t opposed to a physical connection either if we find a partner that wishes to have such.
My partner and I go into much of any connection or chemistry with no expectations. And we tell people that off the bat. We let the chemistry go where it may lead us. It is what it is. When we can get a better feel of where it might be going or what we want, we share it right away. Being open and honest about what we intend with anyone and who we are is exactly what being an Ethical Slut is all about. It’s exactly what ethical polyamory is. Anyone who isn’t being honest with you doesn’t deserve your time.
Another issue that tends to come up with our relationships is time constraint. Poly or swinger relationship…it’s a matter of time that you have to dedicate yourself to it. We always walk in letting anyone know just how insane our lives are with kiddos, work, family and other priorities (such as each other). This way if we do intend on having a poly relationship with them, they understand that just because we haven’t responded to them or seen them very recently doesn’t mean we are just looking for sex and running away. Again, they make a choice if this is acceptable to them. Assumption is a killer…trust me. Never assume.
I have had terrible tragedies in my life as well…and it was with someone that loved me and with someone I trusted, knew and loved…someone who once loved me as well. I think that if you let the past experiences overcome you, then yes, you’ll have it effect your future. I faced what happened to me in multiple cases and realized that I can’t let it effect who I am, what I am and where I want to be in my life. I don’t want it to tie me down and paralyze me. It’s not worth it. There’s a difference if it’s what works for you…what you want and need in your life. But if it’s what you want and need in your life because of this horrible past…then I think that’s unhealthy and it’s an issue. I applaud you for working on this past you’ve been through. I’m sorry you went through it. But I have to say you’re brave for trying and for pushing to heal yourself. It’s a strong person to do that and not to lay down and let it defeat you. Never give up on that. (I put a note here that this paragraph is due to this poster and another commenting on past experiences and tragedies that have happen to them that cause them to stay away from anyone in the swinger crowd or feel they must do so. I highly disagreed with the logic or concept in some cases, but respected the poster for trying to overcome this past to find out what he truly wants and needs. I choose not to put his comment or the other persons for their own privacy reasons, but at least you some what understand where this part comes from.)
I closed with offering my ear, experience and left a link to here so they may find more answers they are looking for.
The sacred view of sex is sane, for sanctity is sanity, which is to say, it reflects reality: any deviation from that is insane, but the insanity takes any number of forms. In much the same way, there is only one way for one to stand upright, but any number of directions in which one can fall.
The Christian view is that man is made in the image of God, hence human life is sacred. The reproduction of human life is sacred, and the sexual joy in which this is done is sacred. Because it is sacred, it is not to be shared or treated lightly, but solemnly, with joy, with happiness, with delight, for sexual joy is a divine joy, a gift of the Creator and a participation in a act of creation. In the same way we do not share the sacred host of the Eucharist with passing strangers, heathens, or scornful enemies, or feed it to dogs and swine, Christians do not share their wives and daughters with the unclean world, or with the gutter.
Now, those who live in the gutter, and who love to slosh in the urine and logs of crap floating in the open sewer of the gutter, want very much to demean the sacred nature of sex. They change their stance as convenient, but do not change their goal, which is, namely, to beslime what is pure, and trivialize what is profound.
When discussing, for example, gay marriage, marriage is taken to be a rite so solemn and so important that it is decried as an injustice if sodomites are not allowed to have their alliances recognized at law and solemnized with all the rights and dignities of marriage; but when discussing fornication, marriage is taken to be so trivial and insignificant that it is not even mentioned as a consideration when deciding whether to copulate or cohabitate with a modern woman.
Sex is considered, conveniently, to be so overpowering an instinct that nothing, no law and no social convention, no virtue and no self control, can be allowed to stand in the way of this rampaging bull — but only when the bull is trampling the marriage bower. The argument that because sex is so overpowering an instinct that nothing, no temptation and no infidelity, should stand in the way of marriage is never considered.
Sex is also considered, conveniently, to be so trivial and insignificant that fornication and sexual perversion are no big deal, and anyone who speak of chastity is guilty of overreacting to what is no big deal — such an overreaction is conclusive proof of his hang ups and his neurosis. Those who are not hung up about sex are allowed and encouraged to fornicate with the abandon of crazed weasels.
Either argument might serve the purposes of the postmodern, postrational crowd, but the mere fact that they use both at once shows that their goal is to demean and destroy marriage, not to find some means better than monogamy of handling the man-female dynamic.
Sex is considered ennobling and empowering, but only when the woman is posing in the nude or dressed as a bunny. Sex is considered a trap and a snare meant to weaken the distaff sex when it leads to childrearing and housewifery. Why being the mistress of one’s own home, queen of the castle and lady of the manner, be it ever so humble, is considered demeaning slavery, whereas the empty life of the harlot, or the woman who passes from one indifferent and exploitative live in boyfriend to another, mothering bastards along the way, or killing her offspring in the womb, is considered empowerment is a paradox, or, rather, a mystery of the modern agnostic faith. By no coincidence, the freedom to be exploited and abandoned by a passing lover, or to exploit and abandon your non-spouse, coincides with the behaviors that are the most infantile, pleasing in the short term, and shortsighted.
Those three (infantile, pleasing in the short term, shortsighted) can be taken as the leitmotif or summation of the philosophy of the modern day: whatever excuses the irresponsible is lauded as a power: to act responsibly is seen as a deception of those who would steal from each playboy his rightful due of harpooning harlots in abundance, and women to enjoy the promiscuity of men.
An article sent to me by a friend and requested I write about it…here is my response:
I do agree that sex is sacred. I have always viewed it as such, no matter if it’s with a long term romantic partner, new partner or just a fuck buddy. In my eyes that act is me sharing apart of myself with someone. It’s not easy for me to find someone I just met, knowing nothing about them and then have sex with them. I have, however, done this. Does this make my sexual act any less sacred? No. Because if I have chosen to do this…there is something sacred I have found in that person that attracts me to this act. There is a good reason I have decided to open myself up to this person…even if guided by lust, there is a reason that lust has boiled over it’s surface.
The Christian view has always annoyed me because of judgement. While I do base some of my beliefs with the Christian faith, this is certainly not one of them. I base a lot of my beliefs from a lot of different places and religions. Being Poly certainly tells you I don’t agree with the fact that sharing yourself with more than one partner is any less sacred or divine than only sharing yourself with one. I have never had issues with those that believe they should only belong to one…but if you judge…thy shall be judged. I completely believe in monogamy…but it’s not for me…just as being Poly may not be for you.
The act of sex and creation is sacred and divine. It can be with one, many or with the same sex…it is still divine and sacred. What a lot of people don’t realize is the divinity and sanctity that comes from these acts is what you make of it. It’s what it means to you that makes the act sacred and divine. I find that there is beauty in everyone and in all acts of love. Even if that love is shared as a swinger…there is love in your actions, there is purpose besides just getting your rocks off. There is joy, peace and delight.
The argument here is just as someone saying “You are demeaning the sanctity of marriage by making gay marriage legal”. How are we changing anything about marriage by this? It means the exact same thing. It’s still a commitment to the person you LOVE. Just as sex is an act of trust, love and delight…this does not change the meaning of sex just because someone wants to go have sex with multiple people or with the same sex. It doesn’t not change the definition or meaning of sex. It is not a matter of convenience but a matter of happiness. Yes…there are some people out there that take the role of non-monogamy to benefit only themselves and out of convenience. But these people are not the majority, but the minority. My love is not trivial…no matter how it is delivered or received. It is the most profound and divine…loyal, deep and true. Every person feels this way about their own love. Why look at love as a mass thing…for it is not. Love is individual. That is what makes love so sacred.
Sex is not considered empowerment to a woman because she can choose to have an abortion or choose to have many lovers. It is a choice…it is freedom to live and love. It is freedom to choose what is good for her and what makes her happy. What woman finds it empowering to her to choose to abort her unborn baby. It is the hardest choice any woman could ever make, but she has the choice to do this…sometimes with regret…and guilt. Guilt because he find her as a harlot…you find her as a murder. You judge her choice to not bring a child into this world that is probably better off. These choices, only a grown woman can make and even then she feels like a child lost and afraid to be alone (at times) in those choices.
Many do see things in the short term and are short sighted, but this is how we all learn from our mistakes or wrong turns. Because a woman gets pregnant and is not prepared or because someone chooses to love more than one, does not make them short sighted. Their choices in these matter are very much of the long term.
The things we choose to do with our lives that make us happy are not always shortsighted, infantile or short term. Choosing to be in the non-monogamy lifestyle is something that doesn’t come lightly. It takes time and understanding. It takes patience and thought. To know what you’re walking into…realizing what it takes in you and what it gives. If you walk into this life jumping in feet first…you will drown. You will not survive. Patience and understanding are always the key in any choice in life, including non-monogamy. You have to look ahead to know what is good for you and your life. What fits for you and what is right. This is not taken lightly. Though people like this take our lives and choices lightly. They brush them off as a sinful thing…a choice only made by the damned. They see us as fleeting and carefree. We are not. We have more love in us than you do…and all the people who stand behind all put together. For we have the capacity to love more than one and be truthful and open about it.
My dream job would be to write, it always has been. And over the course of the past year or so I have realized some of my best stuff comes from things like this blog. I love sitting down and sharing my thoughts and opinions on things I’m so passionate about. I love helping others. I love hearing what people have to say about my thoughts, beliefs and opinions on these lifestyles. I am best at saying what I want or need to say on paper with a pen in my hand or a keyboard at my finger tips.
This blog has gone beyond my expectations and it’s still in it’s infancy. I am happy with this place, happy with the people who continue to read and give me ideas. I LOVE doing this. I wish I had more time for it. I wish it were a job I could live off of. Not because I want to get paid for my writing (though wouldn’t that be nice!?), but because it’s what I love and I do believe it is helping serve it’s purpose.
Over the past 6 months or so, I have had at the very minimum, two people write me personal notes asking me for more guidance. Telling me that what I have written is something of a blessing to them. An eye opener. A mirror in their face to look at the state of their own wants, needs and happiness. My heart is so full of love and warmth to these people and I have done as much as I can with each correspondence to guide them as they have asked. Of course, they have to create their own happiness, but I am only giving them insight on how I found mine and why I believe what I do.
I would love have this be my job…and honestly even if it’s not…I really hope that some day I am writing for or am affiliated with well known sites and people so that I may be able to spread my words out there for more to see. So when I am approached with someone asking me to write something for their site or be affiliated with their site, it’s flattering. It makes me happy and makes me feel like I am doing it right for all of my readers. It helps me feel closer to that dream. And I may never find anyone who will pay me to do this so I can do it 25/7, but I like where it’s headed at this point. I love the way people keep reading and flocking to me for questions. I love that each of you look forward to every word that goes down here.
So I thank you my beautiful readers, for your thoughts, your attention and your curiosity…you feed my fire for such a beautiful form of love and connection to human beings every day!
Relationships are always grey areas. There is no hard and fast definition of love or relationships. Which is why I constantly say on this blog that what I write might always be very a general statement or that it is truly my opinion and that you must find your own path or opinion. What I write here is simply a comfort zone…a place to find references…ask questions to help you understand and find your path. To be the advocate for finding your own beliefs and happiness with no apologies. That is my purpose here.
I am very open minded to the fact that there are many different types of loves and relationships out there. From monogamy to polyamory…and straight to gay relationships. But those “Black and White” scenarios are not for everyone. Some of us find our selves in the in between. The grey areas. Some of us see the difference in polyamory and swinging…but find ourselves riding that line. Polyamory is a core belief and everyone must build their own foundation around that core. Yes, it does literally mean “Many loves”…but what is love? Must we define it?
If you are the “Cookie Cutter” poly person…okay…I’m down with that…that’s what works for you. But I’m not…and there are a lot of us out there that aren’t either. To say that making your own definition of Poly that works for you is threatening the Poly movement or core definition is like saying that gay marriage threatens marriage in general. It doesn’t work that way. Love is love…right? So why judge and put a black or white definition on it. I am very aware that not every one agrees with my way of relationships, and I am perfectly acceptable of that and their beliefs. But don’t disregard my beliefs because they don’t fit your mold. Don’t judge me because I have different types of relationships all across the board…because guess what? I love every one of them in my own way and being Poly is about loving many.
This is also why I embrace my Ethical Slut with in. I love the term because it’s bold and actually perfectly describes who I am. The Ethical Slut can sit in grey areas, he/she can have their own definitions and their own structures, but the Ethics are all still there. The honesty, the trust, the communication. The openness to let someone know how I feel about them and let them choose if what I can offer is enough. I don’t apologize for who I am or the Ethical Slut inside me. She is Poly, Swinger, Kinky, Bisexual and beautiful for all these reasons. Just because I do sit in the grey areas doesn’t mean that I am not just as ethical as the “Cookie Cutter” poly person. This does not mean that love doesn’t mean just as much to me if not more. This doesn’t mean a lot of things. There is an assumption of those that don’t follow the very core definition of poly, we are not truly poly and loyal to that lifestyle. And I say…It’s a grey area…sorry. And i don’t apologize for being in that grey area either.
“How big is the difference in a polyamorous relationship as opposed to a mono relationship?”
I love this question. I have to admit that no one has ever asked me the difference between Poly and Mono relationships. Everyone likes to just assume they know the difference, but you don’t unless you have been in both kinds of relationships and realize that neither is the right answer. It is a matter of what works for you and feels right. And you’re going to get different answers from different people, just as you get different definitions about what Polyamory should be from each person.
To me there isn’t much of a difference when it comes to the core ways to be in the relationships. Both require communication, honesty and trust. There is, however, a big enough difference between the two to make a difference in my happiness and what feels right to me.
I have found that people who have been in or are in Poly relationships tend to understand the balance of relationships more. They tend to understand how important communication is and that jealousy is not something that is considered a positive thing. I know that when I started my journey in the Poly world I quickly understood these things more. This is not to say that people in Mono relationships don’t know or see this, I’m just saying this was one of the big general things I saw as a consistent thing.
The only real difference I see in the two relationships is the idea, belief and freedom that you can love more than one person at a time and be with them without it being cheating, there being any guilt or it being wrong. I will tell you jealousy tends to be a much bigger issue here, but when you have been in the lifestyle long enough and realize that you are not being replaced, and that you realize that jealousy does NOT mean you care more about that person…then you have a much more balanced and stable relationship.
It’s odd, sometimes I can see big differences in Mono relationships and sometimes I see very little differences. I guess it depends on how each person functions in their own way really. But as I said, the big differences are the belief structure of how they define their commitments and their needs with one another. It’s a difference in beliefs really…and that’s why I think some people fight so hard against and are offended by Poly people…because it threatens their core belief system.