Which came first?   The rotten egg or the spiteful, angry hen who laid it?  Or, more bluntly put, which came first?  The troll of a misogynistic, sexist man…the misandrist female who makes all men (including the good ones) into trolls…or the lifestyle that encourages men to be both bold and trolls at the same time?  These are the thoughts that were discussed between myself and Laz after a particularly nasty night at a club one weekend.

James Brown said it best.  It’s a man’s world.  Men have been in the driver’s seat for most of history.  Sometimes to the benefit of women, and just as often to the detriment.  In the Swinger, and also to a large extent in the Poly world, it’s just the opposite.  But this post is to focus on many women in the Swinger world’s perception of men.  In the Swinger world, women hold the keys to the kingdom.  Women are given carte blanche access to the venues, while a man (even those attached to a woman, in many cases) are viewed as a necessary evil and must overcome many perceptions in order to be accepted at any level.  The bias towards all men seems to be this: You’re a sexist, misogynistic, rule-breaking troll until you prove otherwise.  This view is just as true toward men who are attached as to the single male.   At what point can the sneers, dirty looks, angry words, hateful assumptions and overt disgust of the many women in the Swinger world not only drive the good, respectful and right-thinking men away…but even encourage them to become the very trolls they are assumed to be?

Just because they have a cock doesn’t mean they want to get into your pants.  If you think so, it’s a sign that your ego is out of control to the point where you think any dingus attention is your sole right.  Let’s make this clear.  Men are people too. If you, as a woman, aren’t treating men as people, rather than as a stereotype of a group…you are just as sexist as they have the potential of being.  You may deride and ridicule the knuckle dragging trolls, but if you do, heap praise upon the men who do it the right way.  The man who comes up to you in a club or at a party and starts a conversation might just be coming up to you to start a conversation.  Yes, the venue may encourage physical exploration beyond the initial “Hello,” and he may be interested in you in a sexual way, but take a conversation at face value and respond as such.  If a guy’s opening gambit is “Woooo, Baby!  Your ass sure knows how to fill out that dress!” you pretty much know that he sees you solely as a sexual object and you should respond as such.   If, however, he brings a more polite and conversational tone it would be in your, and everyone’s, best interests to encourage that behavior by responding in kind.  Far too often I’ve seen women ignore men that they feel are beneath them, and that can be at a swing club or on an elevator in an office building.   Just like sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, a conversation is sometimes just a conversation.

Also, can we please do away with this BS, catch-22 that men have to be bold, assured and strong up to the point where we see them as trolls because they are bold, assured and strong? We (as women) get pissed off when men pigeon hole us in this lifestyle or otherwise, so why should we not think about how we treat them or pigeon hole them? I always say the number one rule in life is to treat others as you would want to be treated. In this lifestyle and this particular subject, that rule is no different. Treat them with respect, kindness and the type of dignity you wish to have bestowed on you. Because I was truly sickened by what I saw at this club, and where I’ve seen it everywhere else. Women expect men to come to them and be chased, but then when they are, they are treated like crap. It’s unacceptable in my opinion. And since men get labeled as trolls when they stand up for themselves, I’ll be glad to express my opinion and hope maybe even one female will hear me.

About Ethical Slut

I'm a poly, kinky, bisexual, Ethical Slut that rides the swinger line. I am a huge advocate for being who you are openly with no apologies. I am just trying to help the world understand like minded people like myself one word at a time. This is the poly and kink world for people like you and me!

Posted on March 6, 2012, in, Polyamory, Rant, Sex, Sex, Swinging and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Gregory Haley


    Thank you do very much.

    I am not certain how I got in this list but this post comming straight to my email on a superb day such as this could not have been timed better. Intentions are a chalkenge to understand and assuming those intentions is also frowned upon. I am getting better at asking for what I want just now at 38. It is not straight forward to ask for the things you desire and then be rejected. We all want companionship , the knowing , the learning of another— on any level that is intoxicating.
    You are expeessing some thoughts that plague many lives. Thank you for increasing the awareness of an interaction that prevents the increased level of connectedness we are all after.

    • Gregory, I am so glad that you appreciate my words here. My entire point behind this blog is to put into words what maybe others can’t. Maybe to be a voice for those that can’t speak out or who aren’t heard. To be a knowledge base and an awareness. I know that some of my concerns can just as easily be someone elses and if I am able to voice them, maybe those around us who don’t understand will or at least bring them a step closer. Someone should benefit from my 7+ years in this lifestyle besides me, shouldn’t they?

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