I have seen so many people walk into the Swinger world and Poly world jumping feet first into the deep end. For some…it all comes natural, which is a VERY rare thing. But no one can go in knowing exactly what they expect of their partner, themselves or what their partner expects of them without discussion. Quite frankly I am sick of running into people that don’t discuss things before they jump in the deep end. What they don’t understand is this causes serious feelings being hurt and drama that could be prevented.
There is also the concept of not knowing exactly what is okay with you until you try it and have the reaction. The thing to keep in mind here is patience and understanding. If something ends up not being comfortable for you once it happens and you thought it was going to be okay with you before, discuss it with your partner and let them know that you didn’t have the type of reaction you had expected and you aren’t ready for that yet, or may never be. But letting them know is key. I have talked to so many people who say “I have read up on a lot of Polyamory in books and online” or “I know myself and I know how I would react and that I would be okay with my partner with another person”. Comments like that mean nothing in the real world of Polyamory. Because you don’t know how you will truly react to something until you actually experience it.
This is why it is so important to talk with your partner(s) before hand. Let each other know what you are comfortable with or at least comfortable with trying out. And know that ideas, rules, boundaries and comfort can change and grow with the relationship, you and the people you are involved with.
Let me explain how Laz and I do it. We are in constant communication on the things that we expect from each other, want and need. After being together for 8 years it comes natural and easy for us. But lets say you are new. Before any given situation like a date or party or whatever you should always do a run down of the boundaries or rules you have set in your relationship. What you are comfortable with doing or not doing. Just what is expected in general with each other. Once these things have clearly been established stay within them. At the end of the situation, regroup. Discuss what happened. Figure out how you feel about what happened. Be patient. Keep in mind that if your partner stayed in the guidelines of what was put forth they have done no wrong. If they have done something that upset you or something that you discussed as being okay but you find your reaction was not what you expected, discuss it. Voice it. Talk to each other and come to compromises…re-evaluate and take the time to process individually and together. If need be, come back to the conversation after you processed feelings and reactions a bit. But it is important to always re-evaluate your situations as they come and know if a thought or feeling has changed since the action or situation.
Its an on going process. Even after 8 years Laz and I still do this. Granted there isn’t really ever a lot that changes at this point because we are so sure of where we stand, but we are more than open to realizing that as we grow and changes, our ideas and feelings do with the relationship. You need your partner(s) to know that the door is open and everything is always up for discussion.
Only you can make it work. And you are on the same page…then there is more of a chance that it will work…even if it does take time, patience and re-evaluation to get where you want to be.
Considering we just did a “When dating…” post I thought this would be appropriate to post as well. Something that is rather serious and something I swear one day I will use, but something that made me giggle a little too. A form for when you get those online emails or messages from random Trolls or douches. This is from Zenocrate again (our guest writer for the “Passing along some intellectual ideas” post earlier), something she advised when posted it could be used and adjusted as needed. I have taken what she put together and tweaked it a bit by adding a few things. So as she has said, please use it at your will and tweak how you want it.
Your recent email has been deemed completely unacceptable for the following reason(s) (check all that apply):
___It was so badly written I have no idea what you’re actually saying.
___You OBVIOUSLY didn’t read my profile.
___It was clearly wank fodder.
___You assumed because I list myself as submissive/masochistic/dominant/sadistic I am your submissive/masochist/dominant/sadist, and made demands that should only be made after a relationship exists.
___You assumed because I list myself as bisexual/kinky/poly that I will fuck you or anything that asks me to.
___You attached a picture of your penis and/or of you masturbating.
___You asked me for a nude picture.
___You called me names and/or told me what you’d do to me as if I’d given you permission.
___You describe things that are physically dangerous and/or immoral (example, being locked in a cage for weeks, having children to raise as slaves) with no hint that this was a fantasy.
___You suggested/demanded/pleaded that I strip on cam/come to meet you/ give you contact information immediately.
As part of a study of fucktard behavior, I, along with others, am trying to determine the reasons behind emails like yours. Therefore, please take our short survey. Thanks for participating!
When I sent the email I knew it was pathetic and offensive: Yes/No
If Yes, please answer question 1. If No, please answer question 2.
Question 1: Please check off the reason(s) you sent the email, even knowing it was offensive
___I was bored and your picture was hot
___Sending offensive emails is my kink
___I hate women so sending offensive emails makes me feel good
___I fear women so sending offensive emails makes me feel powerful
___I’m a DOM damnit and someday I’ll find a real submissive woman who understands that offensive emails demonstrate my domliness
___Other (please explain)
Question 2: Please check off the reason(s) why you didn’t realize the email was offensive
___I’ve never interacted with a real kinky/bisexual/poly woman so I’m working from online porn stories
___I’ve never interacted with a real kinky/bisexual/poly woman so I’m working from my own fantasies
___My last girlfriend liked it when I said/did these things so I figured all kinky/bisexual/poly women like the same things and don’t mind them (or even want them) as a very first contact.
___I send out dozens of emails a day, all the same, hoping someone will respond, so I don’t have time to tailor my email to an individual
___I’m just being honest about my kinks. Why do women have to be so bitchy and demand to be treated like real people instead of just offering me the instant, meaningless sex/play I want!
___Wait, my email was offensive? I poured my heart and soul into that email, describing everything I wanted in the perfect kinky/bisexual/poly woman! And I complimented your tits! What could be offensive in that!?
___Other (please explain)
This was forwarded to me today by Laz. He received it thru one of the Poly communities he is on where they thought it was worth sharing. I have to agree completely that this is worth a share here and many other places. I have read a few of her things and if you are on Fetlife, please look up Zenocrate, she seems to be a very intelligent woman with a good head on her shoulders. I hope to read more things like this from her in the near future. So without further adieu, Zenocrate’s view on the Poly vs Mono idea.
Originally posted as a Journal Entry by Zenocrate at https://fetlife.com/users/195241/posts/438196
I’ve been reading a lot of posts and journals lately about the differences and incompatibilities of monogamous and polyamorous folk. “I’ll never date a monogamous person again.” “I could never accept a poly partner.” “Monos are liars.” “Polys are retarded sex addicts.”
There have been a few voices crying out in the wilderness, suggesting that we not tar (or exalt) all polys or monos with the same brush, but mostly people ignore those voices and point to experience to prove their point. What interests me is that people are having the same experiences on both sides of the fence–possessiveness, lying, replacement, etc.
So I thought I’d try to look at the debate from a new angle. First, my bona fides: I was very happily married and monogamous for 13 years. When my husband asked about opening our marriage, I transitioned to poly and have been happily poly with my boyfriend for about 18 months now (and the husband and I are still happy, just in case that wasn’t clear). So I’ve done monogamy well and I’ve done poly well and I think I have something to say.
The debate isn’t “mono vs. poly” (in any of the forms that question takes, i.e. hardwired, dating pool, best choice for me, best choice for the world at large, inherently better), the debate is….TIGHTLY VS. LIGHTLY
Some people hold on to relationships very tightly. They try to control them and shape them so they feel safe. They’re the ones who set up rules and vetoes, who have problems with jealousy, who constantly wonder when things will go wrong. And things always do.
Other people hold relationships lightly. They don’t make any relationship the focus of their happiness, they naturally avoid jealousy and they are happy when their partner goes off without them, whether it be to another lover (poly) or a hobby (mono).
People who hold relationships lightly don’t constantly wonder when things will go wrong. Because they know things will.
Ha! Gotcha there didn’t I? You thought I was going to make the claim that holding relationships lightly was a cure-all for relationship problems! Well, that would be stupid, because there IS no cure. Zenocrate’s #1 relationship rule is:
All relationships end badly
Edit: as several people have pointed out, “ending” does not mean “ending badly” so I am reformulating:
Zenocrates #1(revised) rule is:
All relationships end. And unfortunately we live in a society that equates “ending” with “failure” so many people consciously or unconsciously fear a relationship’s end.
It’s true. You either break up (which is often perceived as “failure”), or one of you dies (unless you’re Mormon and have a Temple marriage. Then you’ll be together forever).
The great thing about really accepting the fact that all relationships end is that you stop thinking you can do something to avoid that fate. And then you stop worrying about the end (ZOMG I don’t want to be alone!) and start focusing on the middle (aka the present). You can stop thinking “If my partner is poly he might find another woman and she might be younger and prettier and that might mean he likes her better and then he might leave me so to protect myself I’d better create 3,846 rules!” and start thinking “Right now, what would I like?”
Whether you’re more comfortable in a monogamous or a polyamorous setup is in my view not the most important question. Every monogamous relationship admits other people into it (family, children, friends). Every poly relationship has limits (number of partners, certain people who are deal breakers). In modern society, where men and women work and play together as equals (mostly) and mingle in all settings, there’s really no sharp distinction. There are tons of “monogamous” couples who have the occasional threesome and tons of “poly” couples who have “we two only” activities. It’s not a bright line at all.
But I honestly do believe that if we could all accept that at some point, our relationships will end (possibly sadly) and that we can’t change that we might be able to let go of some of the fear, jealousy and name calling. We’re all in the same boat after all. No one gets out alive, so we should concentrate on enjoying the ride as honestly and fully as we can.
This blog is mostly used for poly and non-monogamous subjects…but it’s also a blog about dating in general, sexuality, relationships and self respect. The list goes on for what I want this blog to be and stand for. But every once in a while it might be me giving you a little advice from my point of view. And right now that’s going to be the case…triggered by some current encounters I’ve had and my partner have had. So boys and girls listen up. This is advice about dating in general and what to do and not do when wanting to date someone. Again, this is my point of view, but I have found a lot of this is something most women and men have agreed upon with me. And keep in mind this all should be common sense and respect driven, but I have found it never is for some reason.
These things can go either to men or women…the list is mixed and somethings addressing both sexes.
1) Bringing up sex right off the bat and that being your only subject is not usually wise. Of course this is if the person isn’t just looking for just sex. When dating and getting to know someone this is a small part of who you are. We want to know you. We want to know more than just what your kink is or that you have a 10 inch cock.
2) Which brings me to our next point. We don’t want to know your penis size. If we did, we’d ask. And if we have to ask….more often than not….that chick is a size queen. I always say size doesn’t matter, if you know how to use what you have, THAT is what matters to me. This also goes the other way around. If a man wants to know your bra size he’ll ask. But a little advice to both parties would be don’t ask unless you know for a fact that such a question is open for discussion.
3) And that feeds into the fact that no…I do not what to see a picture of your cock or you coming. Again, if I did I would ask.
4) When you tell a woman like me (and I know many women that feel this way) that you are so good in bed that we are guaranteed to come over and over for hours because you can last all night…you’re going to get one of two things out of this. You’re either going to get the women to see this as a challenge to put you in your place…or you’re going to get eye rolls and we move on because of your arrogance and/or your lack to see the big picture. What we want is someone who can give us even just 10 to 20 minutes of fiery passion, ecstasy and meaning before we want someone who can last all night. We want all of what you have to give, doesn’t matter how long it lasts. And honestly…this can be addressed towards women as well. No matter who you are, give it all you have with as much honesty as you have. That’s what matters.
5) When someone has a job, kids, another partner or partners…..or all of the above…don’t assume that someone is going to be at your beck and call at all times. That they can and will drop everything just for you. Cause guess what? It’s not going to happen. Have patience and it will be returned when you need us to have it.
6) Be someone who people can count on. Don’t stand people up. Don’t say you’ll do something or be some where and just ignore it all in the end. Follow thru. Keep your promises. Don’t take people for granted.
7) Don’t pity yourself and have absolutely no self confidence. Know yourself, accept and love yourself or we can’t. It’s that simple.
8) BE YOURSELF! Don’t be something or someone you think that person wants you to be. We want to know YOU and like YOU…not something you’re not.
9) NEVER apologize for who you are.
10) As my partner has said, he believes in chivalry for chivalry’s sake. He believes it’s polite to take the check and do things for a women to convenience her and make her feel special, but the moment it’s expected…that is when it becomes and issue and pisses men off. That is when a man will not care anymore to do those things for you anymore. To at least offer to pay for yourself or you both once in a while is respectful and polite. To do something romantic for the guy is special and just as much deserved to be treated as well as you are. Romance, respect and caring goes both ways.
11) Don’t be the martyr and victim. Learn from mistakes and bad things that have happened to you and move on. Realize that not everyone is out to get you and that it’s not ALWAYS everyone else’s fault. And even if it is some else’s fault that you are hurt, learn to move on and grow stronger from the experience and realize that it’s up to YOU how you react to what someone says or does.
12) Don’t avoid your shit. Deal with your problems. Face your fears, your hang ups, your pain and your past. It’s all apart of who you and how you got where you are.
13) Passive aggressive behavior gets you no where. And neither does assuming anything. Speak. Ask. Communicate. Express what you’re feeling or thinking…if you don’t….no one can do anything about it and then you’re just the ass with no one left in your corner.
14) Don’t try to change people. What you get when you walk into a relationship is what you should fall in love with. There are times that our existence in someone’s life can make them better themselves, but never walk into anything expecting to change someone or wanting to. I question why people do that, I just don’t get it.
And if you are doing any Online dating, let me add a few specifics here….though some of the above apply to online dating too.
15) READ THE PROFILE! Holy crap I can’t express that enough. That is one of my biggest pet peeves in online dating. My profile might be long, but guess what? That means I care and put time into making sure you understand where I come from and a little about who I am so you’ll know if we will get along. Sure, you’re not going to know everything about me from a profile, but it’s a good start. If you don’t read it, I’ll know and I WILL call you out on it.
16) When you send someone a message or email, talk like a human being, please. This is a big pet peeve for me as well. I hate “text speak” and “leet speak”, it drives me mad. Make an effort to actually make a good impression and like you actually have some intelligence in there some where. I am not a grammar Nazi by far, I screw up my spelling and everything often, but at least I make the effort to write full words and sentences.
17) Say something a little more interesting than “You’re hot!” (or in reality it’s usually “ur hott!”). Make us want to message you back, look at your profile and want to get to know you better. Make them bite for the bait!
18) Respect what the profile says. They didn’t put it up there for no reason.
This list will probably be added to as time goes on, but this are the things that come to mind right now. These are not “rules” per say, more advice that I think some people need to hear from the experience I’ve had.
A friend (who wishes to remain anonymous) wrote out his first non-monogamous experience with his wife and shared it with me. He advised if I thought it would help anyone out here, I could share it. I thought this was extremely well written and has a good outlook on the situation, especially coming from the men’s prospective. So enjoy our guest writer for the day!
I thought Christmas day would make the symbolism all the more powerful. That would be the day I had my Virgin Mary and my Whore meet; unite; integrate.
I wasn’t really sure, when my wife finally confessed her naughty fantasy to me, that I’d be able to see her in such a tawdry light. She was, after all, the mother of my children; the vessel of my love. Many men experience similar disintegration of the objects of our desire and the symbols of our virtue. It is not uncommon. We may watch our seamy pornography, and have our dirty fantasies, but these generally represent an entirely separate identity than that which we choose to see in our wives. Even more difficult to accept, may be the fact that both our fantastic visions of porn stars, back-room trysts, and willing whores, and our virtuous visions of our loves, wives and even our mothers, may (and often do) both reside, simultaneously, within most women. We love to believe that a woman is either a saint or a whore, but never both. Now, I’m not talking of the clinical definition of a Madonna-Whore Complex. Rather, I’m referring to a less severe, but much more common phenomenon- the tendency to deny that the women who occupy our hearts, were first (and still are), sexual beings.
I knew the act itself aroused me and I knew I was capable because I’d experienced it before in casual encounters. What I didn’t know, was whether or not I could experience it with someone I actually loved. There was only one way to find out. So, after several days of deep contemplation, and once I’d determined that I’d be comfortable at least exploring the scenario with her, I settled on Christmas night to put my offer on the table.
He seemed like a decent guy and she was more than a little interested in him. They’d been casually chatting for a couple of weeks and I could see the way she lit up when he’d email or text message her. At first I wanted to be really jealous. I wanted to be possessive. I wanted to be protective. Soon though, I realized that it wasn’t her I was protecting; it was myself.
When he sent her a text message on Christmas, I wanted to be upset. I wanted to respond with a biting reminder that we had a family and Christmas was family time. But, then I remembered that I had already planned to ask her to contact him; he’d simply saved me the effort. I don’t think she thought I was serious at first, but when I assured her that I wasn’t joking or merely exploring hypothetical fantasy, she became visibly intrigued by the idea. So, we fired up the hot tub, opened a bottle of wine, and invited the new guy to join us.
I’ll spare you all the graphic details of the adventure and just focus on the important stuff.
One thing I learned through this, was that the build up and anticipation were far more anxious and awkward than the acts themselves. From the first kiss to the final moments, the physical acts were rarely uncomfortable for me. In fact, I learned that I rather enjoy seeing her objectively as a sexual being, apart from myself. Another important lesson I gathered was that a lot of the rules and stipulations we chose to put on this situation, were immediately discarded in the moment; and that was okay as long as it was mutually agreed upon. There were certainly some hard rules that we’d never violate, but all in all, most of our rules turned out to be more like flexible guidelines. Having said that though, I also learned that some of them shouldn’t have been. We had agreed to not play at our house, or at least not in our bed. We had agreed to not do first meetings at our home. We’d agree to not play when the children were home, even though they were sound asleep on the opposite side of the house and all doors were locked. Sure, this time we’re okay and everything seems fine, but in the future these would be rules I’d be more likely to be stringent about.
Another thing I’d be more strict about in the future, is that the parameters and expectations of the arrangement need to be clearly defined for everyone involved. There were a couple instances where he essentially tried to convince her to sneak into another room for a solo session. I do not know if I’d have been okay with that or not, but I did have a problem with the attempted secrecy and deception. That became a major trust violation and likely one that put a serious damper on future involvement from this guy. Had this been discussed up front, he may not have felt the need to be deceptive.
Perhaps the most important effect of this experience, is one that really could not be fully anticipated; our emotional response to the aftermath. In the days immediately following, my wife became noticeably withdrawn and sullen. She had not expected this to force her to confront so much about herself. She and I had been lovers for thirteen years, and we knew each other as well as two people can, but he did not have this intimate knowledge of either of us. There had been some suspicion of sexual abuse in my wife’s childhood, and there were some things he attempted that, when combined with the emotional intensity and anxiety of the moment, brought about vivid recollection of that abuse. He could not have known this in advance, as I don’t even think she foresaw it. There was also the fact that this act forced her to reevaluate her image of herself. All the moral, religious and societal teachings of her upbringing had to be immediately confronted and, even though she’d long since rationally dismissed most of them, emotionally they proved to linger a bit.
We are fortunate that our love is strong and that we had the support of our poly-friendly therapist to guide us through this experience. For me, it was my first true experience of compersion. Seeing her in the moment and aroused by a guy I knew she had a connection to; seeing her excited and stimulated, proved to be very satisfying to me.
Ultimately, we decided to back off from others for a while afterward, and really soak in the experience to allow ourselves to fully comprehend it. I think this was the most important decision we could have made. Rather than getting lost in the pleasures of this new experience, we were able to process it and learn from the positives and negatives of it. All in all, it proved to be a memorable and healthy experience that we were able to share together without either of us feeling pressured or obligated. We made a new friend in the experience and perhaps, when and if we feel it’s right, and if the trust issues can be resolved, maybe a long-term playmate as well.
To those considering this sort of thing, I would advocate extreme caution. Don’t rush things. That was, perhaps, our biggest mistake. We were lucky to have had it been an obstacle we could overcome, but not everyone will be so fortunate. This is not something you can take back or undo. The next morning is too late to decide it wasn’t right for you. Take your time and tread lightly. Let yourselves experience the baby steps along the way. How do you feel when she talks to him alone? How do you feel when they exchange lustful glances? How do you feel when he kisses her? When he touches her? Every step is a potential indicator to your reaction to the main event; don’t ignore them. Heed your inner voices and, above all, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!
I would also like to mention that, although there was alcohol involved in the act itself, the decision to pursue it was made clear-headed and sober. I cannot stress enough, how important that was to the acceptance of the situation. We both knew that this wasn’t a spontaneous, drunken decision and it couldn’t be later blamed on inebriation. We had to accept full responsibility for the entire act. I’m exceedingly glad we did so.
The ultimate purpose of this writing was not to address the threesome though; it was to address the ways in which we, as men, tend to view the women in our lives. Through this experience, I have taken one step closer to the full realization that my wife, love her as I do, is not an extension of myself. Nor is she obligated to meet my preconceived notions of what a woman or wife should be. She is her own person. She has her own sexuality. She has her own fantasies and desires and I do not own or control them or her. I am certainly glad that she wishes to share those things with me, but she isn’t obligated to. Separating her from my ideal vision of her, has forced me to see her as a whole, independent person, choosing to share herself with me. I cannot express how wonderful this new-found vision of her really is.
There is no longer the manufactured image of her as a saintly Madonna type figure forever damned to fulfill the obligations of perfection and purity. No, now I am able to see her as no more than a woman and, although that may sound like a step toward degradation, in reality, what it does is allow me to see her as imperfect and be satisfied with that. By seeing her as capable of “impurity”, I must also see her as “imperfect” and, therefore, capable of making mistakes. Because of this, I am also able to easily understand and forgive those mistakes. She is no longer held to an unattainable standard. She is human; mortal; imperfect; beautiful. This makes her all the more special because it illustrates that she is perfect for me, not because she’s simply perfect, but because she wants to be; because she has put in the hard effort to meet my needs and those of our relationship. That is a far greater feat than just being born perfect.
There is no longer the illusion that, as my wife, she shares her sexuality with me because it’s her duty to do so. There is only the perfect clarity that she has chosen to open this part of herself for me because she loves, trusts, and desires me. I’ll take that over obligatory affection any day.
I’ve become cynical, jaded and callous about some things and I never realized it till now. This is the biggest reason why I like to re-evaluate myself and how I see things as much as possible. I learn things about myself all the time and if I am unhappy with these things, I find ways to address them in the right ways.
What I realize I have become cynical about is females in general and being as opened minded with both females and males in my life. Not to say I am intolerant of people, because I’m not. Its mostly to do with relationships and being burned about that so often that you tend to become jaded about them all together.
I realized this one night when my partner and I were having a late night talk after the kiddos and his mom (who was in town for a visit) went to bed. I can’t recall now what brought up the conversation, but I do remember it. I had asked him if he thought I had become less tolerant and not who I used to be in giving people the benefit of the doubt and not judging or giving those who have burned or crossed me second chances. Because honestly, I’ve always been someone who is completely tolerant of others and believes in second chances. So when he answered that he thought I had become jaded and cynical about all females and I had shut myself off to the idea of most men without even taking a second to consider them as an individual…that bothered me greatly. I reflected on that and he was right.
As I’ve said in a few posts about females, I’ve been burned there in personal relationships. I’ve also been burned in friendships on many occasions and the relationships my partner has had with other women. I realize now I have been judging and basing the way I feel about any female on the past. I have always told everyone you cannot be apart of your present or your future if you hold onto the past and base things off that. You can learn from your past and you must never forget it, but you have to be able to build from it and not hold onto it in a way that disables you. Everyone is different and not the person that has hurt you.
So now I know I must take a step back and put faith back into females in general with my life. I know I will be hurt again by a female most likely, but I can’t shut myself off from all females just because that’s apart of life. I will close myself off to finding a great partner or friend in a female if I do that. Not only that but it’s not fair to anyone, especially to my partner in his future and current relationships to judge based on my past. I have to wipe away the cynical mind and emotions and take a new, deep breath to move forward with positive thinking here.
When it comes to men, it’s the same idea. Except to add that I have forgotten what I love so much about how I choose my partners. It’s never been all about the physical appearance of a man or a woman that has been what determines me being interested. Yes, looks matter to some extent because in any relationship, if there is not a general physical attraction it just won’t work. But I have become so cynical that I forgot one simple thing…
“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, “Not bad. They’re okay.” And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.” -Amy Pond in ‘The Girl Who Waited’, Doctor Who
That quote puts it into words better than I ever could. I forgot that feeling. And the feeling of how much I love getting to know someone. I’ve been guilty of not responding to or ignoring a few guys just by looking at their picture. That’s not who I am. And when I heard this quote on Doctor Who…cheesy as it may be that a TV show did this…it reminded me of that feeling and made me smile.
I sorely miss getting to know someone. I love the excitement of it. I love the warmth and laughter that it brings. The intelligence from another human being pushing the boundaries of my own intelligence. So I’ve been actively trying to redirect the way I see these things lately. And I wait patiently for it to fall into place again.
And the reason I’m sharing this here is to show you all how re-evaluating yourself and needing to be confident in yourself and how you view the world is so important. If you don’t, you can easily lose who you are in this life. We are only human, and we all easily fall into scars of the past. We can let what happens in our lives to us and to those around us shadow our views. And we are always changing and evolving, so being active in that is your most productive move.
Balancing of relationships has been a topic here recently. And one of the things I didn’t say about all of this, is when you are the new person…there are things you have to balance as well when considering circumstances with someone. You have to realize that not only should you balance the relationships in your world, but you have to realize that your new prospect is having to do the same things. You have to have patience. There are going to be a lot of ups and downs…a lot of talking, then maybe silent moments due to circumstances. You have to pay attention to your actions and words and realize that they have a life outside of you as well…just as you have a life outside of them. If someone puts all their cards on the table and tells you what they can give you or what they can provide and you say you can accept that and handle that…then don’t ask for more later down the road when they have specifically told you they can only give you certain things or that they can’t give you what you are asking for. If they tell you the honest truth about what they can provide, then they want you to make an informed decision on if that’s what you can handle or if you need to move on. They aren’t asking you to move on, they are letting you know the whole story. So if someone gives you their priorities and later you expect to be on the top of that list…don’t be surprised if things fall apart.
I’ve seen many people walk into our lives and we tell them what we have to offer, and they accept it, but then when we go about our business or priorities there is a backlash of emotions because we are not giving them what they want or need when they said they could handle our priorities and things we could and couldn’t provide for them.
Expecting to have constant contact with anyone every day, every moment is not realistic. My love and I don’t even get to say hardly two words to each other during the day on most days. So why is it realistic for anyone else to think they will have constant communication with either one of us? It’s just not going to happen.
Expecting anything more out of someone than what they have said they can give is not fair or acceptable in any circumstance. So remember, that when you are balancing things in your life with someone new or even someone you’ve been with for a long time…they are balancing things in their life just as much as you are. Be fair, remember the priorities of not only your own life, but remember they have priorities in their life as well that don’t necessarily concern you.
Someone wrote me a message on OKCupid today asking about women who are willing to date married men, or finding Poly women in general. I advised that I know a lot of people who date married couples or individuals, the issue is usually they won’t date those that don’t have partners who are aware of them or others in their lives. So honesty and openness is always the answer. But I did give him a link to the local Yahoo Group here in DFW so he could find some like minded friends.
Then I also realized there are groups like this all over the place in almost every city. I thought maybe I should share the website I found that gives a list of certain groups in certain areas, even in other countries. So, here is is the link…
You can find a lot of people in these groups that are local to you and find Munches or Events to meet new people that are like minded. Please always respect the groups and the people that are in them. Have fun and I hope you all find friends and/or partners that suite every need and want for you and yours!!
“The point for me is to create relationships based on deeper and more real notions of trust. So that love becomes defined not by sexual exclusivity, but by actual respect, concern, commitment to act with kind intentions, accountability for our actions, and a desire for mutual growth.”
— Dean Spade
Any relationship should involve trust. If you can’t trust the person you’re with, why would you want to be with them? Trust is a basic building block to any relationship, especially a Poly relationship.
We all can get to a point where we don’t trust others easily because of our past, but we have to remember the person currently in your life isn’t the person that was there before. You have to LET someone earn your trust…but you also have to take into account their actions in general. Have they done anything for you NOT to trust them? Do their actions match their words? Because anyone can speak words to you and they mean nothing…but someone who truly cares and loves you will follow those words up with the action they are intended for.
Trusting someone lets the relationship grow and expand, it lets you grow and expand as well. If you can’t trust your partner your standing in stagnant water. Nothing moves forward and eventually falls apart. Trust keeps the relationship from building jealousy, fear, or insecurities.
You also have to trust that your partner will make the right decisions for themselves and your relationship when they are apart from you. For a lot of us, this is a hard concept. A lot of people in Poly relationships (much less Mono relationships) think they have to be in on every decision that either person makes. In my relationships case, not only do I trust my partner will always talk to me and tell me the truth, I trust that when we are not together he will make the right decision for himself, as well as our relationship. That is even if it involves our relationship.
If you have trust issues or if you don’t trust your partner, communicating that will be your best option. Being able to discuss the issues at hand might help clear some things up, or solve the insecurities. But not being able to trust someone and being in a serious Poly relationship is not an easy task, and will more than likely not work out in the end. This is why its so critical to trust your partner and trust yourself.
If you’re Poly or Swinger…you know what the “Veto Card” is. I’ve seen a lot of relationships turn to hell because it was misused. Now, to start off…my relationships don’t have a veto card in play at all. We are structured to come to one another with our issues as adults who trust and respect each other. We discuss our issues with said person with our partner and it is up to the partner involved with that person to make the right choice or talk to the person and fix the issues at hand if they are valid issues. For us, our relationships are separate from each other and independent. We discuss our issues with our partner and our partner handles the situation. Never do I or my partner(s) have to be involved in any way. They don’t even have to interact together. If they get along and are friends, well that always makes things easier, but it doesn’t have to be that way. So if we have an issue, it’s with our partner and our partner handles their relationships.
But I am fully aware that our relationship isn’t the norm to a lot of Poly people out there. A lot of couples have the veto card. This means they can say, I really don’t want you to be in a relationship with this person and want it to stop. To put it short and to the point. But if you are in a relationship that has this in play, you always have to be careful when and how you pull that card out. Its a dangerous weapon. It can cause resentment and anger in ways you wouldn’t think because you feel you have all the right to pull it out. And you do have the right, if your partner says you do. But a lot of people don’t see the repercussions it can cause if not used carefully and logically.
Now, I’m human, and I have had at least one or two girls that I didn’t really want to see my partner(s) with. Not because I was jealous, insecure or felt threatened by them, but because I didn’t see them as a healthy relationship. But I know that’s not my choice to make. When that relationship starts to effect my relationship…that’s when I will say so and express my concern. But I see a lot of people pulling a veto card on someone their partner is seeing because they feel intimidated by them. Because they are jealous or because they have a gut feeling about someone. The veto card should never be pulled in these situations. They aren’t valid, hard proof of someone’s motives or character. They are YOUR feelings. And while everyone’s feelings are valid in some form or another, you have to think about how you would feel if you really liked someone and your partner pulled the veto card out on you for no real or logical reason beyond, “I feel threatened” and they can’t give a valid answer why.
While the veto card is something you pull out on your own…it should always be discussed with your partner. Always explain your reasoning and be open to what your partner has to say. Always know that things can change, but not if your close minded enough to not let them. And don’t ever say it’s me or them…if you put someone in a position to choose, that angers a lot of people and more often than not…they will choose the other person because you gave them an ultimatum. And its never fair to do that to someone you love and loves you.
Bottom line is to be cautious when using this…we always want to put it out in an emotional state, but realize that you might want to revisit the idea after you calm yourself a little more and talk to your partner. You never know how you’ll feel after that.