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Mono mindset in the poly world.
I have noticed for a long time that there is a lot of monogamous thinking in the polyamorous world. I didn’t really think too much about it till the other day when the subject of a friend having two primaries was being questioned by a long term poly person. This bothered me a great deal. While I have always said that polyamory is what each relationship or individual makes it, it still disturbs me that a long term active poly person would not only question someone’s structure in relationships but the way they love in a negative manner.
If having multiple emotionally, deep relationships is acceptable then why is it unheard of that one person or many people see two or even three of their partners as equal? Of course there will always be different priorities, wants and needs with each relationship, but for one person to have two (or more) people that they see as primary and equal, what is wrong with that?
For that matter, why do we even have to label any relationship as primary or secondary? I hate those terms. But I know sometimes those labels have to be used in the outside world to understand a situation. People tend to see priorities as a way to label their relationships, and while I agree to some extent how that could be the case, I also think that makes no difference, it simply depends on the circumstances. For example I see Laz and Lady as equals. They are very different relationships and very different priorities, but I love both very much and can’t see myself without either of them. They are woven into my everyday life and emotions. They mean the world to me, one no more than the other. So I see these two as my primaries, if you want to put a label on it.
Do I think this concept is what works for everyone? No. Just as monogamy or polyamory isn’t for everyone. My point is that if some can recognize that people are capable of living more than one person at a time openly and honestly, then why do we have such closed minds to the idea of loving our partners equally as primaries?
As I said before, the priorities are different so sometimes one might come before the other, depending on the circumstance. But this does not mean that I love that one more than the next. If we have the capacity to love more than one person at a time openly and honestly, why can’t that love be equal and a priority with as many people as our hearts accept into our lives?
It truly is a monogamous mindset in a polyamorous world.
Being Thankful
In the past 8 years I have constantly counted my blessings with the life and love I have in it. Recently I have realized just how blessed and thankful I truly am. I have always been aware but you get those reminders sometimes where you just can’t believe how lucky you are. Its been like that lately.
I have a well established relationship with Laz that I have complete faith in. I know I have the kind of love and man every woman wishes and dreams for. But even with it being a well established relationship, that doesn’t mean that we have to stop working at it and putting ourselves fully into each other. I often think others see our relationship as a well oiled machine, but I don’t like that metaphor because it implies our relationship is mechanical and that is part of what we work on it not becoming. He makes me feel too alive for us to become mechanical.
For him, our relationship and the fact that we are constantly communicating and working together to make the most of our relationship I am so very thankful. I couldn’t be luckier than I am in these ways.
I am also thankful for the support in the past year and a half. I couldn’t have made it out in one piece without my family (including chosen and blood), but most of all my Laz. They have all supported me in so many ways. And Laz has gone above and beyond to help me through my unemployment and money problems. He also supported me emotionally and mentally in ways I could never repay him. This and so much more are reasons why I know Laz and I are soul mates and can stand the test of time together with our love and each other. We have been through so much together that has made us stronger and more in love than ever. I cannot thank him enough for what he has done for me. I will live my life loving him and being thankful for him and his love every single day.
To add to my thankfulness, a new addition not only to my life, but Laz’s life and our family as a whole. A woman that was truly an unexpected pleasant surprise for us. She has brought her life and family into our home and found love, comfort, joy, passion and peace here, and we have found the same in her and her family as well. We have a relationship and poly family we have always dreamed of together. And as we build upon this love, trust, passion, beauty and relationships we are thankful and thrive on these blessings.
It is hard for me to express in words how very loved and grateful I feel for that love in my life…for the support…the beauty…the passion. Even when I feel lonely and sometimes a bit lost in those hard times, I know in my heart that I have so much to be thankful for and to hold close to my heart.
Happy Thanksgiving, my lovely readers. Be thankful for what you have and who you have…because if you have love and support in your life, you are rich beyond your wildest dreams.
This day…
8 years ago today my life changed. A door didn’t just open up for me…it flew off the hinges and I have never regretted it. I learned what true love really was and felt it with every fiber of my being. My heart began to heal, my soul to warm itself by the heat of passion and fire that surrounded me. I began to truly love myself and forgive myself. I began to live.
I have never been one of those girls that believes in the things like Valentine’s Day. I have always believed that we should show the love we have for someone everyday and shouldn’t need an excuse to do so or to do something special or caring. I have never expected gifts or flowers or candy on any occasion. Hell, all I have ever wanted for my birthday is to be with the one(s) I love and receive birthday wishes. Of course this doesn’t mean I don’t go all out for the people I love if I can.
My point is, I have never been one to make one particular date a big deal. Except one. My anniversary with Laz has always been very important to me. The thing is I have never done this with any other anniversary. But this day is special to me. It goes so far beyond how special Laz is to me, because you should all know by now that he is incredibly special. But I strive to make that a point every day and to tell him that as often as possible. Never has a day gone by that I can remember that I haven’t said I love you to him. He is beautiful and wonderful to me every single day of my life. This date is special to me because of him, because I love him, because of what he has done for me (which is more than I ever dreamed any one person would do) and because my entire life changed from that day on. This date is about us, yes. But it is also about me and the beginning of a journey of massive proportions.
The best way I know how to explain it is in someone elses words, unfortunately.
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master…”
– Elizabeth Gilbert
THIS is what Laz did for me and continues to do every day. He is my true soul mate because he challenges me every day. Never has let me give up. Has held me up when I have felt so beaten I could hardly stand. He has been the person that took my breath away and gave me new life. He was the beginning of so many beautiful things in my life. He made me take a look at myself and create my own happiness.
I realize today and have for some time that I did most of the work to become who I am and have the happiness I have found and maintain. But he was a push in the right direction. At the time a good reason to reevaluate my life and happiness. Without his love, passion, support, strength and “Captain Blunt”….I really don’t think I would be here today.
So today isn’t a special day just because it is my anniversary with him. Its special because its the anniversary of my eyes opening and me seeing the new light in my life. It was the true beginning of my life. And without him, I never would have gotten there.
8 years ago today I fell in love. Took my life back. Became truthful with myself and the world. Met the greatest man I would ever know. Found my soul mate. Began to love myself and see my self worth….and became me.
Happy Anniversary, my love. You are my best friend, soul mate, lover, partner, savior and my spiritual husband. I love you more each and every day with every breath I take. I am the luckiest woman in the world and am so very grateful for your love, how you have touched my life and will continue to and everything you have done for me. Loving you is the best thing in my life.
Establishing ground rules before you play the game…
I have seen so many people walk into the Swinger world and Poly world jumping feet first into the deep end. For some…it all comes natural, which is a VERY rare thing. But no one can go in knowing exactly what they expect of their partner, themselves or what their partner expects of them without discussion. Quite frankly I am sick of running into people that don’t discuss things before they jump in the deep end. What they don’t understand is this causes serious feelings being hurt and drama that could be prevented.
There is also the concept of not knowing exactly what is okay with you until you try it and have the reaction. The thing to keep in mind here is patience and understanding. If something ends up not being comfortable for you once it happens and you thought it was going to be okay with you before, discuss it with your partner and let them know that you didn’t have the type of reaction you had expected and you aren’t ready for that yet, or may never be. But letting them know is key. I have talked to so many people who say “I have read up on a lot of Polyamory in books and online” or “I know myself and I know how I would react and that I would be okay with my partner with another person”. Comments like that mean nothing in the real world of Polyamory. Because you don’t know how you will truly react to something until you actually experience it.
This is why it is so important to talk with your partner(s) before hand. Let each other know what you are comfortable with or at least comfortable with trying out. And know that ideas, rules, boundaries and comfort can change and grow with the relationship, you and the people you are involved with.
Let me explain how Laz and I do it. We are in constant communication on the things that we expect from each other, want and need. After being together for 8 years it comes natural and easy for us. But lets say you are new. Before any given situation like a date or party or whatever you should always do a run down of the boundaries or rules you have set in your relationship. What you are comfortable with doing or not doing. Just what is expected in general with each other. Once these things have clearly been established stay within them. At the end of the situation, regroup. Discuss what happened. Figure out how you feel about what happened. Be patient. Keep in mind that if your partner stayed in the guidelines of what was put forth they have done no wrong. If they have done something that upset you or something that you discussed as being okay but you find your reaction was not what you expected, discuss it. Voice it. Talk to each other and come to compromises…re-evaluate and take the time to process individually and together. If need be, come back to the conversation after you processed feelings and reactions a bit. But it is important to always re-evaluate your situations as they come and know if a thought or feeling has changed since the action or situation.
Its an on going process. Even after 8 years Laz and I still do this. Granted there isn’t really ever a lot that changes at this point because we are so sure of where we stand, but we are more than open to realizing that as we grow and changes, our ideas and feelings do with the relationship. You need your partner(s) to know that the door is open and everything is always up for discussion.
Only you can make it work. And you are on the same page…then there is more of a chance that it will work…even if it does take time, patience and re-evaluation to get where you want to be.
Weakness or Strength
I have been getting to know quite a few new people lately. In that process we tell our own stories a lot of the time. We discuss history and the past. Sometimes that history and past isn’t so pretty. It can be full of pain, discomfort, vulnerabilities and mistakes. Not for all of us, but some of us have stories like that. What I have found is its a matter of how you view these stories in your future and your present life that matter. And I have been thinking a lot about this lately for a lot of reasons. Partly because I am scared of sharing all of me sometimes, because I am afraid of getting hurt. I am also afraid of being judged.
I used to see my past pains and stories as scars. I felt the world needed to know my scars right away so they could see how damaged I was and worthless. But when I took a good hard look at myself I realized these stories were not scars but strengths. When I was able to view them as such my whole life came together and began to make sense and I became the woman I always admired and dreamed I could be. Our stories do not make us damaged and worthless but more complex, whole and stronger if we let them. We are more admirable if we see this in ourselves….and if we see it, won’t others? However, I still often worry that when I share these parts of me and how I reacted to it all then the people I am getting to know and care about might be secretly judging me and seeing me as weak. It’s hard not to feel vulnerable about our past and the pain we’ve felt or are feeling at any given time. But if we can focus not only on the happiness we’ve encountered as well and realize that if we’d just take a moment to learn from our pain and mistakes we can overcome and be stronger for it.
By allowing myself to be emotional and open up to someone to come inside my walls I am not being weak, I am taking a chance and allowing myself to trust someone else and that takes so much courage and strength. I am allowing this person to see me for who and what I am. I am showing them the building blocks of how I got where I am and where I am in that given moment. Sharing that is not being damaged, worthless or weak…it is being amazing, beautiful and proud of me. It is not showing my scars but showing my beauty and strength. I am not ashamed to share my past and when I have been weak. Because those moments are what make me stronger and more beautiful. That pain is what has brought me to be who I am today. Had I not accepted it and chosen to see it as strength I would not be here today.
There are so many of us that find opening up to others as showing cracks in our walls and foundation. I have found this to not be the case. While we should be able to be alone with ourselves and love our selves first, we should also allow others inside our walls, for we can not live this life alone. Sometimes we need help and support when we feel weak. Allowing others to help us through our hard times is very often needed in everyone’s life. If we do not let someone see our moments of need, then how can we possibly feel loved and cared for? How can we feel connected to people? If we do not open up and let someone know we love them and care for them by sharing ourselves with them, then aren’t we not only cheating ourselves but them as well? Aren’t we only giving them a small part of us that is superficial rather than every corner of us….even the dark ones?
Random and off topic here…but….
I wouldn’t be posting this if I wasn’t desperate to sell it, but If anyone is interested or know someone who might be, I am selling my Violet Wand kit on Ebay. Please take a look at the link below or send someone that way! Thanks!
http://www.ebay.com/itm/290773214626?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649
Superiority Complex
There seems to be a superiority complex floating around. I always hear certain parts of society say that being gay, bisexual, kinky, transgender, Queer or even polyamorous (the list really goes on) is not normal or causes problems for society. I’ve never understood how someone’s sexual preference or relationship preference can be a problem for society. Those kinds of comments make me roll my eyes in its ignorance and just in frustration. Someone like myself, fight against this way of thinking. I advocate for equality and forward thinking all around in any way I can. So, when I hear something like this on a TV show about Polyamory that is stirring the pot in both the mono world and poly world…I get sick and frustrated as hell….
“I have a little bit stronger feelings about monogamy. I think its actually a problem for society as it is right now. I think it causes misery and unneeded suffering. Polyamory is an evolved way of thinking.”
-Tahl from Polyamory: Married and Dating on Showtime
Monogamy, no matter how one might be in it, is NOT a problem in society. Just as Polyamory is not a problem in society. You are supposed to be someone who is a “spokesman” for polyamory. You are in the spotlight….and saying something like this frustrates me and makes me want to shake you. Don’t you realize this kind of comment is exactly what we are fighting against with society? It’s hypocritical to say such a thing! There is a place for monogamy and polyamory in this world, much less many other types of relationship types. Its what works for you in your life and what makes you happy that makes it all work. It’s also the people we are with that make it work. Monogamy is not an issue, and neither is polyamory. However, what does work for you is polyamory…and you can’t see yourself in any other type of relationship. Its who you are…but to say that is completely different than saying what you did. I cannot and will not agree that that choice of wording was at all smart or logical.
Also, as someone on my twitter said yesterday, I think that as polyamorous, much less as human beings, we should strike the phrase “more evolved” from our vocabulary. That line of thinking is not evolved, much less helpful to our cause. That kind of thinking is exactly why we are in this type of situation in society. Polyamory is not a superior or more evolved way of thinking. With society the way it is today, is it more opened minded? Yes. Equal rights for African Americans back in the 50′s and 60′s was more open minded too. This world will forever be fighting for equal rights for something…and there will always be something that is more open minded than typical society standards. That’s why we have to be open minded to what society sees as “normal” or “non-alternative”, so that we have the ability to educate those who don’t understand. So that we have the ability to lead those in the dark about our lives into the light. Having a thought process of thinking you are more evolved or that what others do is a problem is only going to back track our efforts and achievements. It’s going to make others not want to listen to us because we are not being fair or logical and we are talking down about what they believe. And that is no way to educate and get people to understand our needs and wants.
Bottom line is…we aren’t just fighting for equal rights for all, we are fighting against this way of thinking period. The superiority complex does nothing for our cause or any person’s cause. Just remember…..
Coming Out
Coming out to anyone in any form is hard to do. It doesn’t matter how you are coming out or who you are coming out to. If you are lucky enough to have amazing people in your life that make it easy, cherish that. Not all of us have that in our lives.
The fears of coming out are very valid fears. We are afraid of being shunned and disowned. We are afraid of losing our friends and family. We are afraid of being judged and thus having respect and trust torn away. The relationships we build in our lives are important to us. So when we keep something from the people we love, finally realize something about ourselves or finally admit something to ourselves, its hard to share that life altering thing that we know most of society looks down on with someone that means so much to us. Especially when we are unsure how they are going to react. But I believe it’s also about learning that who and what we are is okay. It’s about believing in ourselves and realizing that if it makes us happy and we aren’t being hurt or hurting anyone while doing it, then to each their own. Sometimes being honest with ourselves is the hardest type of truth to be told. Because I’ll be the first to tell you, being proud of who and what you are and not letting anyone get to you is difficult sometimes, especially when you are putting yourself out there at first.
The first person I came out to was my little brother. He knows pretty much all there is to know about me and I have always trusted him with that. But I remember coming out to him and it was scary, even though I knew I could trust that he would love me and still think highly of me. His remarks were exactly what I expected of him…”If it makes you happy, sis….who am I or anyone else to judge if you aren’t hurting others?” Regardless, I still had this nagging fear in the back of my head that maybe, just maybe me coming out to him like that was going to be too much for him to handle. That maybe he wouldn’t trust me anymore or love the same. It doesn’t matter how much you know someone, or how much you think you know what their reaction is going to be…you’ll still fear the worst. And I will admit I feared the worst with my mother as well.
For four, close to five years, I would never admit to my mom that I was Polyamorous. She knew something was different about my relationships and constantly asked me about them. I was so scared of admitting it to her, so I lied for years. She is a very religious person and hearing some of the things I’ve heard her say my entire life made me scared she would not love me the same, that our relationship was going to suffer. But I underestimated not only her, but her big heart and how much love she had for me. She was hurt that I had lied to her for so long and felt I couldn’t tell her. And yeah, because of her beliefs and how she sees relationships, it did break her heart a little because she didn’t understand. And even if to this day she doesn’t understand, she still tries. She doesn’t say anything negative to me about it and lets me talk to her about it a lot. Because I finally admitted to who and what I am to her and showed her the type of love I am capable of, she and I have become closer and she has truly been there for me through a lot since. She’s even met someone I was dating and really liked him.
The point is, I don’t want anyone to feel like who or what they are isn’t good enough for the people they love. I also think everyone should give their loved ones a chance. Don’t underestimate them. Take a chance on them, and if you do lose them, or a part of them, they didn’t really love YOU. And that is hard to admit and be okay with, don’t get me wrong. But you are the bigger and better person for being honest with yourself and them, no matter what the outcome.
Polyamory: Married and Dating
The Polyamorous world is a buzz with the new Showtime reality TV show Polyamory: Married and Dating. I know you’ve probably read a thousand different reviews or blogs talking about this show and while it may not be original, I’m going to talk about it as well for a while. Probably more than once in this blog. However, what I want to do is not just review it but address some of the things that pop up in the shows. And also address the way I think Polyamory in the show is portrayed.
First I have to say I dislike how they are so focused on the sexual aspect of things. Polyamory isn’t all about the sex and it’s not always giggles, lust and rainbows. And having sex doesn’t fix anger, resentment, pain or distrust. Granted, I know they throw those scenes in there for ratings, but let me make it clear that just because you’re poly, doesn’t mean you’ll get to have more sex. Does that mean I am judging the poly people in the show for this? No. I am saying the editing and the way the producers are portraying that part of Poly is not exactly how it goes. Granted, these people may have a lot of sex and if so, that’s great. Hell I have a lot of sex, but lets be clear that as said above…being Poly doesn’t exactly mean more sex. Sex is a bonus to being Poly, it’s not what it’s about and that’s the common misconception.
What I do like about the show is that it is showing the real struggles and insecurities of true Poly people. While I don’t feel that they are handling some to the issues correctly (in my opinion), I do like that they are actually showing that it’s not all rainbows and butterflies and that it does take balance, trust and communication. And that I can completely respect about these poly groups on the show.
What is good to remember about Polyamory is that you make it your own in every relationship. I can respect the rules shown in each of the groups relationships, but it doesn’t mean that I believe in them myself. Of course, my relationships are much more open and free than most Poly relationships (and that is not a statement of arrogance, we literally don’t have rules beyond respect, trust, honesty, communication and loyalty).
What I have read in a lot of reviews (mostly from monogamous people) is that this makes Polyamory look sex crazed, creepy and immature (And with some of the things I have seen, I can understand why I have been seeing these comments). What I’d like to say is that this show is not a representation as a whole of the Polyamory world. And please keep in mind that this IS a reality TV show…which means, yeah, these people and their relationships maybe real, but you aren’t getting the whole story. You’re getting snippets from their life thrown together for ratings. So most likely, we aren’t getting the WHOLE story. We are getting the drama filled parts that the producers think will be interesting and worth watching.
That being said, I do find this show fascinating. Mainly because the first time I’ve seen so much spotlight on Polyamory and I am curious where they are going to go with this. Am I afraid the producers are going to cause a bad light to shine on Polyamory? Yeah, I am afraid of that. I can only sit and hope that, that won’t happen.
Breaking up is hard to do…
It doesn’t matter if you are Poly or Mono….breaking up is hard to do, kids. Honestly its even harder when you don’t want to do it and find that at that moment in time its the right thing to do for yourself or whatever reason. I currently find myself in that position. I still love this person, deeply. I haven’t been in love with anyone since Laz and my ex J…and that’s YEARS. Granted, I have loved people, but IN love? No. I struggled to tell this person I loved him…because I was afraid. And even if right now it didn’t end the way I wanted it to, I will never regret letting go of the fear to tell him. He may not feel like I love(d) him right now, but I hope one day he understands. This is a man I would still like to have in my life in some way, but right now I am giving him space, and honestly I could probably use the space too, even if I don’t really want it.
I am not going to go into detail as to why this happened or why I did it. That’s personal between he and I. He knows the reasoning and if he needs more answers or closure, I hope that he will come to me for that.
The point to this post is that no matter how much you love someone or feel connected to them, sometimes it just doesn’t work. And so much about it worked for us, but there was too much that didn’t in this moment and time and we weren’t moving forward thru it. I think there are a lot of factors in my situation, none of which I blame ALL on him. I am totally responsible too. But sometimes there are things that prevent us from moving forward in a relationship or in an issue. Point is, I did fight and so did he. At this moment in time I feel like I did everything I knew I could do and handle and realized that right now, it’s not working or healthy for me and what I want and need.
Like I said, it doesn’t matter if you are Poly or Mono…it’s never easy. And if it is easy, then you never should have been in that relationship. But if you do find yourself realizing a relationship might not be working for some reason, please always ask yourself…why? Can it be fixed? Am I willing to fix it? Is that person willing to fix it? Have I done everything in MY power to try? Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you should stay. Loyalty is honorable for sure, but when it becomes unhealthy or causes unhappiness that can’t be fixed, is love really enough? God knows I wish to hell it was. But it’s just not.
Just because poly people can have multiple relationships and loves doesn’t mean we can just move on to the next one and not worry about the effects of a relationship we are having issues with. One of the biggest reasons is that it’s just not fair to anyone. Not you, not them and certainly not to the other people in your life. There are ripples in the pond. Eventually the issues that don’t get resolved in one relationship can cause issues in another. And that has a lot to do with how that relationship makes us feel or effects us. We as poly relationships have to face our issues too. It’s not fixed by finding someone new or leaning on another partner.
The great part is that, yes, we can count on other partners for support and if we have multiple relationships we aren’t left “alone” after a break up. We can also count on other partners for a need or want that maybe another can’t give us. But actual issues can’t be resolved unless you and the partner you have an issue with work it out or realize it’s just not something that can be worked out and you move on to breaking up.
No matter what, all of this is hard. Just don’t regret anything. Learn and grow from it and move forward no matter what the outcome. Don’t give yourself a reason to regret anything. Know your options and evaluate them completely. Communicate until there’s nothing left to say. Do until there is nothing left to do. Then make the decision that you know is right, even if it’s hurts. But I pray and hope that it’s never the decision that hurts for you or them. Just know that sometimes, it’s going to hurt and you have to use that pain to learn and grow stronger to move forward.
