Safe sex is a must in my life. Even before I became actively poly I practiced safe sex. I never had multiple sex partners at one time before I become poly because I never slept around and I still don’t. Still, safe sex was a must for me then, regardless of who or how many I slept with. The only difference between then and now is that I am in love with more than one person and having a sexual relationship with more than one at a time. My encounters mean something to me, it’s rare that I have slept with someone just to have sex or for purely lustful reasons. Point is, I am just as responsible now as I was then. And I am honestly and openly aware of the fact that who I sleep with and how I do it is related to every other person I am with or will be with. I am not just responsible for my own health and safety, but for everyone I touch and everyone they will touch as well.
Anyone that sits and says it could never happen to them, they are ignorant and asking for karma to kick them in the ass. I have (thank the gods) NEVER come up positive with anything at all. I have been safe with every encounter and stood up for myself in doing so. And I have asked that anyone who wants to be with me do the same.
So the question is, what do you do with someone who can’t respect this with you or with anyone else? That’s simple…they aren’t worth your time, regardless of how much you think you like them. If they can’t respect not just their own life and yours but those they are physical with in their life, why should you trust them? Don’t tolerate unsafe sex, period.
But what about someone who makes a mistake? That’s a little harder to answer. We’ve all been there, caught up in the moment and suddenly your body takes over and your brain shuts down with all logic. Hell, I am human. I have done that. And it was a stupid ass move too. But it does happen to some of the best of us. And if it hasn’t happened to you, I say kuddos….I hope it never does. But we are human and we make mistakes. So what do you do when this happens not to you but someone you are with and you lose the trust you have built with them?
First is the obvious answer, always…always get tested after. You are responsible for anyone you pass diseases to from that point on. You may not know if you caught something, but you are aware that it is possible. Second obvious answer is that the person who had the unsafe sex should always talk to anyone and everyone they are physically involved with or might be involved with in the near future. In my opinion, you should be responsible enough to regard everyone’s feelings and give them the choice on what they want to do with this information until they know you are at least clean. I personally think it should be treated as you would treat finding out you have caught an STD. Because in logic, for all you and your partners know, you have caught something until proven otherwise. In my opinion, that is your safest way of looking at this.
In situations like this, you are responsible for expressing your anger, pain, hurt, disappointment, disgust, etc. Whatever it is you are feeling, its your responsibility to make it known and clear. It should also be clear at all times what your expectations are in general, and not after the fact. What they are responsible for is not only their own actions but also choosing if your expectations are important to them as well or if they have an issue with one of those expectations…and if so, they need to speak up. They also have the responsibility to earn your trust back, and if you are willing to let them try, don’t be impossible or unreasonable…make it fair to yourself and everyone involved. At that point its about following thru with their words. It’s about their actions. But ultimately you have to figure out if you can forgive and trust them again with time, and if you can’t forgive them and realize there is no tolerance in your life for those kind of mistakes, then you need to speak up to be fair.
I will also say that there should be no tolerance for it to be a habit. A mistake is one thing, a continuing of this kind of behavior is not acceptable and never should be. Have respect for yourself, your partners and everyone they will come in contact with. Trust me, you’ll have a much healthier relationship and sexual lifestyle for it.
Posted on May 28, 2012, in Personal, Polyamory, Sex, Sex, Swinging and tagged Communication, Expectations, Open Relationship, Personal Experience, Polyamory, Priorities, Real Life, Relationships, Ripples in the Pond, Sex, Swinging, Trust. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.