There have been a couple of people recently who have said the phrase, “I don’t want to be second”. One was to me and one was to my partner. This state of mind always disturbs me because my partner and I don’t see relationships structured that way in this lifestyle. We don’t believe in or like the labels “Primary” or “Secondary” partners. There are always priorities and responsibilities to each relationship, but if a relationship goes down such a path, my love for my partners can and will be equal. To us it’s only fair to each other and to the people involved.
In all the years I’ve been actively Poly with my partner I have never seen him treat any female like they were second. And I have never treated any man like he was second either. We have priorities in life that will always come before certain relationships, like children for instance. My partner and I have been together for 7+ years and we mean the world to each other, but his children come first. Period. I wouldn’t have it any other way. So when it comes to his kids, I am second. When it comes to my relationships, his kids are my first priority because I choose for them to be. Our life is structured that we depend on each other as a family, so if his kids need me I will drop everything for them. So really, when it comes to these children, my relationships are second as well. This is something any parent would understand and that anyone we are involved with would understand. When it comes to each other, we know where our priorities are. With new relationships that haven’t developed a solid, long term structure and/or emotional bond…we are each others priorities. But we are always fair in where those priorities live and also allow the priorities with new relationships to develop.
I fully believe that I could meet someone (or have possibly met someone) that I can love just as equally and fully as I do my current partner. I have loved him and another in my past equally. It is a possibly to balance these two (or three…etc) in a way that is equal and fair to everyone. Where no ones priorities get stepped on and no one feels left out or like they don’t matter just as much as the other. It is a delicate balance and it’s different with each person and relationship. You just have to always be aware of where your priorities lie with each person and where they fit with you and the life you lead. It takes time and patience to be sure, that is something I have learned. But it is possible.
The life I have now with my partner and with his kids is where I choose to be. It’s what makes me deliriously happy. It’s something I see far in my future and I see myself growing old with this man. This is not to say I won’t grow old with someone else as well. But what I have now is more than I could have ever hoped or dreamed of and the possibility of adding more love to it is just blissful. I have a home filled with love, laughing children who are smart as hell, understanding, accepting and loving. And I have the freedom to be who I want to be with no apologies. This life, this house and this relationship is apart of me…and that will never change. And I want so badly to share that with other people. To share my love, happiness, passion and joy with them. For them to be apart of my life just as equally and beautifully as this family. I’m sure people will come and go….and some will stay to enjoy the happiness and peace. And I will welcome them with open arms and they will know they are just as important.
The thing is, it’s about your actions….it’s not about a label. I’ve never believed putting a label on any relationship is fair. It’s about how you treat and how you value the relationship. So, no….no one will ever be my secondary….they will be an equal. They will know all of me and receive all of me, just like my partner does now. They will have an opportunity to let the chemistry and organic flow of life bring them to this happiness I have….to this love and passion. Everyone I come across in my life has the potential and chance to be in my life the way this family is and I do my very best in every action and word to show this.
Posted on January 28, 2012, in Lifeontheswingset.com, Polyamory, Swinging and tagged Balance, Beliefs, Commitments, Comparisons, Expectations, Individuality, Open Relationship, Polyamory, Polyfidelity, Polygamy, Priorities, Relationships, Swinging. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.